I have reached a place in my life where 3 of my 4 children are grown. My youngest is 13 and the mere thought of him being seen with me is absolutely unacceptable to him. My husband’s selective hearing seems to be the norm these days. To carry on a conversation with him often leaves me feeling more alone than ever. My self esteem in regards to anything - from how I wear my hair to my job to what I have accomplished throughout my life - is at its lowest. I am having a mid-life crisis.
Yep. It is finally here. Though not what some might consider a crisis, I know it could be worse. It may get worse. There are days when I would like to just get in my car and drive hundreds of miles and start over. Where to? …nowhere, in particular. It’s merely a thought.
I am trying to remain calm. Upbeat, even. I have recently learned to crochet. I am considering going back to school. I have started exercising and monitoring my diet. I am re-connecting with old friends. I have become “more” cautious of my feelings for fear of exploding on someone. I am not acting on impulse. I am contemplating life one day at a time. I am breathing.
This “crisis” or “mid-life transition” as some are even calling it happens to a majority of women. It is a life style change. It can be brought on by feelings, life events such as death, sickness, and divorce, and even menopause. In the internet article, Signs of a Midlife Crisis, it is defined as “…the attempt to restart life to better fit a person’s heart.” Sounds about right. My kids have lives of their own. I am feeling “pretty” useless. I have to find a life for myself after raising a family.
To do nothing would leave me wallowing in depression. And with a history of depression, I know that is not where I want to be. And though I am confused and a little lost, I am open to this change if I am in control. I am searching for myself…yet again.