I have been at this recovery center approximately 38 days (a little over a month). I came to Brookhaven because I was at the point in my life where I realized I needed help.
I went to into Brookhaven not really knowing what exactly to expect. At first I was nervous and very apprehensive. I wouldn't ask for help, I would just go through the motions, nod, say how I feel and smile. That did not last too long though, because my therapist, Carrie, caught on to my act the moment I walked into her office. I was constantly being told in care and therapy to "feel my feelings". I honestly did not get it. I mean, I would say "I'm depressed", I would say "I'm angry", yet my therapist and core group did not believe me.
After reading out loud a letter I had written to a friend of mine who had been deceased for over a year now, I noticed my words, facial expression and emotions being congruent to what I was feeling. I cried in front of people for the first time I can remember. I would say that day something clicked. I truly understood the term "feel your feelings". Between private therapy, core and groups I began feeling a lot of change. My mood became more regulated. I was taking my mood stabilizers as prescribed and practicing my skills I have been learning.
I'm not going to lie, the road was rocky and this past week it also has been a bit rocky. I'm still struggling with my sense of self, abandonment issues and various other issues. Though I am struggling, I do not feel hopeless. I see that the program does work when you work with it.
Carrie always says, "You are not going to get better unless you want to." I truly do want to feel better and be able to lead a normal healthy life in a healthy state of mind. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I feel hopeful.
I always thought that the only way I would be able to escape my problems is if I died. I see it very differently now. The only way to escape my problems is to LIVE. No avoiding with harmful behavior, no disconnecting, no putting up a front.
I still have a lot of dragons to face, but I'm ready to slay my own dragons! I want to leave here ready! I am willing to put in the effort to do that. I came here thinking I had one problem (or two). Brookhaven has made me realize I have numerous demons to battle and that, more importantly, there is nothing wrong with me. Thank you so much Brookhaven. I look forward to completing the program.
