I Never Wanted A Divorce

Everybody seems to talk about the experience of divorce as an everyday happening.

When I was married I was firmly committed to the constitution of a life long relationship with a person. I believe that is part of the problem today; that people will accept a relationship in any form but not actually be committed to the constitution of the relationship. Do you know what type you are?

The impact of divorce is very significant and is very played down. I don’t know why somebody doesn’t provide divorce preparation classes.  Classes to really outline what the impact for the whole family is going to be at every level.

For women often their whole lives and identities are directly tied into their role as a wife and a mother. Their careers have usually been very secondary to their role of taking care of the children and supporting their husbands in their careers.

What about all the mutual friends. They hardly know what to do. If their are children then they are suddenly thrown into this world of double rhythm;  expecting one thing when they are with dad and another thing when they are with mum. No wonder we are all dealing with so many people who know how to manipulate. Often manipulation becomes the tool of choice as it’s the way to get more of what you want. The trouble is if you do not get what you want through healthier methods it’s only a matter of time until manipulation just spirals totally out of control and destroys everything in it’s path.

Some divorces are inevitable.  In my own case, we lost an adult child and something just happens to a couple that may have been previously very happy. There are some traumas and disasters that a relationship does not seem able to withstand.

Sometimes a problem seems overwhelming at the time causing lots of anger and pain even severe depression. Whilst all that is going on divorce can seem like a solution. The trouble is the down side of divorce is just not taken into account enough.

We have seen enormous strain on the family as we have all endured the economic crisis. Some have experienced tragic events such as losing their homes, jobs and savings which has created an emotional crisis of uncertainty. Many spend their days second guessing the “what if” scenario when in fact nothing can change what has already happened.

The impact of divorce can cause emotional and mental health illnesses that can last a life time and as life moves forward you might ask what you could have done to try to keep and protect the relationship you already had. The fact is there is no perfect relationship and to think there is… that is a fantasy, and don’t we all just love that fantasy.

What gets destroyed is your value system and their are very few programs that teach you to rebuild a value system as a stand alone person.

Do not be under any illusion. Divorce is a trauma. It feels like an abandonment often leaving the person numb and unable to feel when all is said and done.

The sad thing for women, particularly if they have been married for a length of time, is that they will experience an identity collapse if they don’t take the steps that need to be taken for them to know how to move forward.

Look at situations like Jon Kate plus 8.  Nobody really saw that coming although under that kind of scrutiny it’s a tall order for anybody could stand. My question remains the same though. Was Jon ever committed to the constitution of a life long relationship with Kate. Was this just a movie role that you could just walk away from when you were done.

The act of betrayal is devastating but sometimes the act of filing for a divorce is an impulse action of anger. It is often an action that is much regretted later. Many many times I hear of men who still love their first wives and don’t really understand how everything ended the way it did.

Divorce feels like a death and there is grief and mourning that take place. The rejection stays with you for the rest of your life because the memory is not disposable… it stays with you.  None of us can erase what our memory absorbs but we can process it so our thinking does not become distorted and our emotions out of control. If you feel you have just shut down and shut everybody else out you must tell somebody who you think will actively and compassionately listen.

Many women I know become very depressed after a divorce and once it has happened you can’t change the events. What you can do is try to find how to own yourself again. If you don’t own yourself you own nothing.

If you are a woman that is struggling there is no shame in getting professional help. Emotional breakage does not go away on it’s own, it will hang around sometimes to the point of not wanting to go on. Better to be a live dog than a dead lion.


Comments (2)

A friendSeptember 27th, 2009 at 10:21 am

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Divorce is Satanic. God will be the Judge. Do all you can do, then do more to stop it. Do this untill your last breath. Live each day on the premise that it may happen. Don’t make a move without prayer.Be prepared then use every avenue to prevent it. Demand funtionality. Pray for help. Act on that prayer. Part ways but keep your resistance to the auther of the evil not each other. Learn about sacrificial love of our Savior. Divorce will teach it pretty quick. Listen to your heart. Are there signs of deceipt? Stop them at the quick. Prevent abuse. Seek a one on one with the Lord. Maintain it and find peace. Do not trust in the arm of flesh but the spirit that comes through prayer. Read scripture. Read church magazines and watch uplifting movies. Do you like Touched by an angel? Pray for one. I did. Do you need a safe haven? Arrange it now. Don’t wait. Try Dahn yoga, relax, breath. Write feelings. Alternate good first.Then bad. Fill one page with good thoughts. Then the next with hurt feelings. Counter balance. For each bad thing strive to outweigh it with good things. Go to a quiet place. A prayerful place. Have an outlet. Find release, empowerment. Is there money? Pray to resolve the matter. Sacrifice. No family? Find a trade off. Prayerfully put up a christian help blog. Ask for donations of time. Trade with exchange of helping hands. Pray about it.School stress? Poss. resort to christian programs. Get the word out to homeschool groups. Find out where you’re safest. Go there often. Make sure a friend is standing by to help. A friend who has communication ability (easy to reach?) and is fully trustworthy. Will they be faithful without interfering, taking over or led/tricked by your opponent. Find a site to meet a friend (once removed) just to talk (pref well referenced christian). Don’t go alone. Allow for venting. Spend time outdoors away from danger. Pray for direction. Take action toward new understanding. Fill your heart and soul with the refreshment of a new you. Listen to your heart. Put your own wants second now. Remember two mother’s who fought over a child. One said He’s mine, so did the other. The judge said I have made a judgement. I’ll tear the child in two and you’ll both get half. The real mom cried out no, let her have the child. She was the one who cared the most. She was the one who was given charge of the child. Now go make lemonade.

PA Divorce LawyersOctober 20th, 2009 at 1:18 pm

Nice post - thanks!

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