Why do relationships kill you this time of year

Why is everybody getting so completely in my face?

I am avalanched with many unwanted responsibilities, deadlines, people scrambling, unsatisfied partners and children. Why am I not enough?

I try to be all things to everybody, look the right way, say the right things, do everything everybody wants, give all I can but guess what it’s still not enough.

Sometimes I feel so completely valueless and depreciated I just cannot think of anything positive. The whole relationship game makes me feel depressed and sad. The funny thing is I realize I invest very little time and effort into having a relationship with myself and I an the only person that has to live with me 24/7.

Things have to change so I am starting to make a plan.

Who do I need a relationship with, who do I want a relationship with and what relationships are just plain poison for me and have to go.

I am going to force my self to face some home truths. Not everybody likes me and not many people understand me and actually not many people even want me. Contemplating this fact just make me feel hopelessly overwhelmed.

The truth is, I have to like me, I have to try and understand me and I have to want to be with myself or I am going to become lost with no identity. I know if I become really lost I am going to go into hibernation mode and at this time of year it is conducive to doing that. So I am going to make a list of my needs and wants. I know for sure I have to stop attracting other needy people.

I am going to make a list of what sort of people and relationships I need in my life. Of course I need my children but what sort of relationship do I want with them. I need my job I certainly do not need anymore financial fears but what kind of relationship do I want with them. I am not sure if I can work this all out on my own as I am so enmeshed in so many relationships.

One thing I know is the quality of my life is determined by the quality of the people in it. I need the strength to be able to leave and walk away from relationships that I know are not good for me.

How I would love to feel the serenity of a purring cat instead of the conflicting chaos I feel. I am shackled in relationships. I know I have to try to remove the things that bind me to what is not good for me.

Things can’t stay the same I just have to plan the way to make things different. I am not a lover of lists or journals I think I have got to get things in black and white. I think I will make a list of the 6 people I spend the most time talking to and write a letter to each of them. At least this would be a first step. The question is why do I speak to those 6 people the most. I suppose now as I think about this I will know if I am surrounded by givers or takers.

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